My mom used to say, “Good manners are your passport around the world.”
She reinforced this belief with bribery and threats, because she wanted to ensure that when released upon society, I would not embarrass her.
If the queen should ever invite me to tea, I now know when to use the miniature fork located to the left of the soupspoon.
I have tried to impress the same values upon my own children, yet at the rate they are learning etiquette, they could not get a signed permission slip to leave the city limits.
Call me a prude, but when I am eating, I do not wish to hear graphic details of how the dead, bloated possum lying in the front ditch looks or smells.
To my children, this is a fascinating dinner topic, and when followed by a blatting armpit concert, makes for a really fun meal.
Nose picking is, in my opinion, socially unacceptable, not to mention unsanitary.
However, little boys suffer from a kind of ‘paper-phobia’, which does not allow them to touch tissues.
The same affliction prevents them from using napkins. A perfectly clean shirtsleeve is considered an acceptable substitute, and if the shirt happens to be sleeveless, the inside of the collar holds pizza sauce adequately, as well.
Although I believe that word-matching games increase the mental abilities of my children, when sitting in a crowded doctor’s office I do not think it’s appropriate to use the word ‘butt’ in conjunction with the words ‘crack’ or ‘head’.
They view my distaste for the obscene with sadness, and think I have no sense of humor.
This is not true…I laugh at many things-just not the ones that include bodily noises or portions of their anatomy.
They think I’m boring, but I’m not. I get excited about a lot of stuff.
It thrills me when I don’t have to hide in the garage to have a quiet phone conversation.
I like being able to reach into my purse and pull out a pack of gum that still has a few sticks left in it. To me, it’s like winning a mini-lottery.
Contrary to popular belief, I am, in fact, not lonely in the bathroom. And, although I appreciate the help, I can get the paper off the roll all by myself.
I do realize that different people have different tastes in food, but I feel that the term ‘disgusting’ should apply to a breakfast of say, toenails on burnt toast- not to scrambled eggs and bacon.
Although I do appreciate their sense of environmental consciousness toward our natural resources, I would prefer my children did not drink straight out of the juice pitcher, because I don’t consider it wasteful to use a cup that will need washing.
I’ve been told they are very well behaved when they go elsewhere to visit, and my mother-in-law believes the reason for this is that they feel comfortable enough at home to ‘let it all hang out’.
If I could only make them understand this is a figure of speech, and not a request… then they might put on their pants before answering the door.